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The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine.
The wife in her curlers, was lookin’ real fine.

A cold wind was blowin’, up the holler it moaned.
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin’ of weapons and guns.
For killin’ God’s creatures, there’s no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks.
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick.
The man makin’ the racket, was Good Ol’ St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind’s eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, but I’ve got a surprise.

That old boy’s an Arkie, our fair state he won’t fail’er.
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies.
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow.
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, His shirt said “Light Beer.”
There was no red hat, his cap read,”John Deere.”

He left all the presents, with an air of delight.
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night.

He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh.
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.

And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all …A “Bud lite!”

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?”

“Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I’m talkin’ DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!”

“That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.”

“Why chrome?” the man asked.

“Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

You can even create your own church sign here.

What church sign have you seen that made you think, laugh or maybe just pause to pray?

• Brunos
• Publix
• Fry’s
• Kroger
• Big Lots
• Sam’s Club
• Target
• Winn Dixie
• Wal-Mart

I especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!

This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading blogs.
Nice. Real nice

2. If you have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

3. If you have ever put IOU in the collection plate.

4. If you think that someone who says amen while the pastor is preaching is charismatic.

5. If you complain because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

6. If you clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty all week.

7. If you woke up craving fried chicken one morning and interpreted it as a call to preach.

8. If you are old enough to get Senior Citizen discounts at the pharmacy, but not old enough to be promoted into the Senior Adult Department.

9. If you think the epistles are probably the apostle wives.

10. If you think the Holy Land is Nashville.

11. If you think God presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

12. If you think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.

13. If you think Victory in Jesus is the national anthem.

14. If the first complete sentence you uttered was “We’ve never done it this way before”.

15. If you judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

16. If your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

17. If you ever wonder when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.

18. If you honestly believe the Apostles Paul spoke King James English.

19. If you think worship service music has to be loud.

20. If you think Jesus actually used Welchs grape juice and unsalted crackers.

21. If you think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.

22. If you judge the quality of a service by the length of the service.

Author Unknown.

-PROGRESS REPORT: PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE REPORT

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following notes have been assembled as to progress to date. They are confidential information and shared here for your perusal.

To date, of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities to serve our congregation in the office of Senior Pastor.

The following list contains the names of the candidates and findings on each.

NOAH: He is observed to have 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

MOSES: It is believed that he committed murder. He stutters. His former congregation reported that he loses his temper over trivial things.

ABRAHAM: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

DAVID: He is of unacceptable moral character with adultery on his record. There is an allegation of conspiracy to commit murder but this is unproven. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen.’

SOLOMON: He has an honorable reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

ELIJAH: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

HOSEA: His family life is in shambles; divorced and remarried to a practitioner of a pagan religion who may even be a prostitute.

JEREMIAH: He is too emotional, an alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck.’

AMOS: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

JOHN: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper due to his non-standard food requirements.

PETER: Has a bad temper and is believed to have denied Christ publicly, maybe more than once.

PAUL: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, his appearance is contemptible and his sermons are far too long.

TIMOTHY: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

JESUS: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.

JUDAS: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor. Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search. Pastoral Search Committee chairman